Liveblogging e3 2014: Microsoft Conference

What are you doing? Why are you doing this?

I have no idea. I barely play video games anymore. I play ITG and Taiko. If I'm with people who play Smash I'll play Smash but that doesn't happen too often these days. I lent my 3DS to a friend and it's in China atm. I don't have any consoles plugged in. I'd probably play Mario Kart 8 a lot if I had a Wii U but I don't and maybe that's for the best.

So what are you doing, again?

Uhh... I dunno. I've watched e3 every year for awhile now, and every year I care less than the year before (except for Nintendo). But I still feel like I gotta watch them! It's just such a shitshow, I gotta see what people will be talking about for the next few weeks. And since I'm gonna do that I might as well record my reactions (???).

My internet is pretty bad so it'll prolly lag etc haha what a terrible experience this will be.

Okay I think it's starting... but I don't think it was supposed to start until 12:30... some sorta pre-show maybe? Yeah okay forget this.

I have it on mute. They keep cutting between some people sitting on a couch and a guy who looks kinda like Andrew WK and a guy who looks like another celebrity I can't remember. There's a lot of product placement. I'm watching this on twitch and the chat just keeps saying "Skrillex". It just froze.

I'm listening to the album Summer Make Good by mum, can't tell how much I like it... I feel like I like it much less than Finally We Are No One and Yesterday Was Dramatic, Today is OK mainly because the vocals changed so much but I dunno maybe there's other elements. The track "Will the Summer Make Good for All Our Sins?" is pretty good and an amazing title omg.

One of the guys on the couch just made an elaborate and choreographed-seeming series of hand movements and I don't know why. It seems like he's acting more nervous than he is for authenticity. Guy to his left is totally still except for mute nods of agreement. On the other couch is a guy in a leather jacket and a girl who's shirt says "Frag Dolls", I feel like if I unmuted it I would have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. I'm trying to picture everyone's hand gestures being them playing the drums. It isn't working it is a bad idea not a fun mental exercise would not recommend. It worked once and it was sorta funny.

The guy in the leather jacket seems really excited. It's 12:20 now. T-minus 9 minutes! Oh my god are you ready for hot new video games? Shooting badguys while peeking over concrete barricades? Pressing a different button when you get close to them for a sick takedown animation one hit KO? Getting shot at and trying to figure out where they're shooting from so you can shoot back? The sick sick feeling of getting a new gun that does even more damage?

Somebody in the chat said "can the chat please stay on the topic of e3"?

I really enjoy twitch chat because it will always be useless and bad and everyone seems like they're having a good time. The idea that some people are watching it and wanting it to be useful and relevant and getting mad really confuses me. But I guess that's part of the "ecosystem" too.

The album is over so I'll unmute this. The album was pretty good idk. I think that's the 4-5th time I've heard it. Mainly just makes me want to listen to their older stuff.

They're gonna check in with "Man vs Game". This is Andrew WK + I think a guy from American Idol maybe. They're gonna read some tweets. Andrew WK sounds nothing like Andrew WK

haha the tweet they read said he looked like if Andrew WK and Skrillex had a baby. And they're joking that the American Idol guy is the one they were referring to. That's kinda funny.

3 minutes to go

I'm kinda excited just because they keep telling me I'm excited.

DJ Wheat? Is this the Starcraft guy? Hmmm... Oh it froze lol hmm I wonder how I can fix this. Oh no nevermind the stream died for everyone the chat is freaking out lmao.

Yeah stream completely dead lol. What do I do? Well, I'm too lazy to find another stream so I guess I'll just sit here.

It's like, admins only in the chat, or whatever... I always wonder what those guys are like irl, they must spend a lot of time on twitch I guess?? What a bizarre company. Hey, it should have started!! lol it says "We are LIVE with E3 2014!" and "Enjoying the show?" and it's all black hahaha. Now there's an ad. Pringles. People playing with their food. ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING. "failed to load video" hahahahahahha.

Maybe I'll go watch it somewhere else?? I dunno. okay yeah I went to "spike.com"

okay here yeah it's playing.

Some sort of shooting game in space I think. Wait no I have no idea what's happening. I think they're upside down. Something bad happened, a guy is falling out the door. They crashed into a building. And then into the ground. I think all of these games would be strictly better as Disney World rides. Uhh I dunno what's going on. Is this Call of Duty? They're in Korea. And yeah just walking around with guns and then shooting people. lol it cut to the guy playing it on stage and he looked really embarrassed for some reason. Well I mean I know I would be. The guy just used a jetpack thing to fall slower. That's the most boring mechanic ever.

The city looks big and stuff, he's looking around at how big it is, but I see no point because you know you can't go anywhere. There's mechs and stuff, it kinda looks like Halo. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?!??!". All the characters in these games just shout useless stuff all the time. A big dinosaur spider thing just went walking by. It really feels like he isn't engaging in the game at all. He's just walking around and stuff is happening automatically everywhere. It used to be that these games were unrealistic because you were like the only competent soldier. Now you don't have to do anything. There's a bunch of bugs flying around. This is just Time Crisis 3. They cut ahead a bit. This is just Time Crisis 3 except you move yourself manually. Some of the badguys are holograms and he has a gun that shoots air or something. Now he has a gun that's a laser. There's like homing grenades that hover a bit and then fly at the guys, it's kinda cool, I like how they move. This cutscene, the guy is caught by the arm in some sorta door, and you have to abandon him, he says "It's okay, I'll see you on the other side", and then the plane blows up. Now you're dying too or something. Your name is Mitchell. Does anyone even give a shit about the single player mode in these? Your arm fell off or something.

Now it's like a trailer cutscene things. I don't give a shit about any of this. One scene had a guy riding a thing that looked like a Ghost from Halo. Okay yeah that was Call of Duty Advanced Warfare. and I will never ever play it or ever see that much consecutive footage of it ever again.

Now it's Forza Motorsport 5... uhh... I don't really care. This seems good though. This seems like a real video game, though. Like, it's a thing you can get good at, and the important things that happen happen because of you pushing controls and stuff. Okay whatever. And now Forza Horizon 2, I dunno what this means. Everyone keeps saying "Fortza" but I thought it was "Forza". This guy has a good accent. I could see myself actually playing a game like this honestly though. Like way more likely than CoD at least. I can't tell what things he's expecting the audience to clap for and what ones he doesn't. "Epic, fun, beautiful", yeah okay. I really don't hate games like this, not at all. The trailer is playing now, a car driving fast... EDM playing, really generic. The game looks good but it doesn't look like real life and I don't give a shit so it's just like whatever, it looks like what it looks like. Graphics are good enough for me that I don't care if they get better, and they have been since like PS2 lol. But I guess some of the effects of this game, like, the ability to have a big background, and a big shimmerly lake, and stuff, that's nice, and that requires good graphics. Honestly though this looks pretty sick, I can understand why people would play this.

Now it's uhhhh Evolve? "From the creators of Left 4 Dead"... Valve? It's 4 people or 3 people + one animal running around. Wait wasn't there some game called Brute Force like this? Choose your class. Haha "Medic", "Support", they couldn't make it look exciting. Or you can be a monster. Hmmm I dunno. I don't give a shit about FPS games.

now it's Assassin's Creed Unity uhh I wanted to know more about the last one?? I don't give a shit at all about this, I guess the appeal is that it's multiplayer but whatever. I can't acknowledge AssCreed as a video games even a bit. The last one was like some 4v1 thing, so... asynchronous multiplayer, which I like... playing as a big animal, can be fun... I dunno, could be interesting.

Anyways yeah AssCreed. Okay so you walk through a crowd and then kill someone. And now you're wandering around killing stuff. Games like this just don't work at all imo. None of the NPCs behave realistically, but they're supposed to like, try, which somehow makes it worse. HEY WAIT he just used a slow down time type magic or something but since it's multiplayer, how will that work?? am i wrong or are ubisoft kinda just hacks? But yeah these games are just like entirely in the uncanny valley and I don't know what's fun about them. They threw the rich guy out the window and now you watch the peasants kill him from his point of view. But why? I figure the more I knew about history the more I would hate this too. At some point it stopped being controlled by the guy but I dunno when.

Now there's some sort of interview thing, "what's your first game"? All these guys played games in the 80s, what could this possibly have to do with now? Oh... nothing.

Okay uhh what's this? Looks like Dark Souls or something. Or maybe not I dunno. This is.. something... uhh... I dunno... I couldn't really care cause it's all some fantasy shit or something, but it looks like something at least... looks like gameplay would be boring? I dunno. Haha it cut to in game footage and it looks way lamer hahaha.  The gameplay looks like MMO gameplay. Oh it's Dragon Age, I forgot that. I was thinking maybe it was the new game from the Dark Souls people. Okay yeah I don't give a shit about Dragon Age.

Some other military shooter game where you play as a homicidal sociopath rampaging through something. WAIT NEVERMIND i got a TRICKED. haha. i fell for it. good job i guess. what is this, though? This is kinda funny I guess. I'd much rather see something silly and funny than serious, regardless of anything else. What's the actual gameplay here though? "Sunset Overdrive" hmmm well I dunno what the actual gameplay is but that could be a real game at least. I guess a guy is here to talk about it. I think I might have heard of this game before?

Customized characters okay cool, can I be the little girl? This looks kinda fun, you run around jumping everywhere and shooting stuff, and it seems like you get points or something. Very silly, fast moving, seems like something you could get good at. Insomniac made uhhh Ratchet and Clank? I guess that makes sense? Boss battle, looks kinda tedious. There's meteors for no apparent reason, I appreciate that. The lyrics of the song in the game say "Total Annihilation", that was a good game. But yeah okay. Video game/10. 8 player co-op mode, sure.

Next is uhhh... we went back to brown and stuff... he's playing a game... Haha Dead Rising 4-player mode with way more silly stuff. Zombie stuff really bugs me. Haha Capcom likes making fun of itself and then also doing a lot of stuff that they can make fun of. Available now. Hahaha okay sure. I fucks with that, whatever.

Now Harmonix, DANCE CENTRAAAAL. western rhythm games i don't give a shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Fantasia Music Evolved hmmm well I dunno. And another Dance Central game. lol like 3 people clapped. I don't care about this. "See you at E3" he said. Hmm

Now it's like uhh I dunno who this guy is. Lionhead? I dunno what they make. Fable Legends oh okay. Didn't this series get totally irrelevant years and years ago? I have no interest in WRPGs lol. Whenever characters in these sorts of games have accents I just completely lose all interest and get embarrassed and want it to end. These games seem to have no dignity. They're killing a bunch of cat things. It looks really boring and not fun. OKAY: so: the one character "quips" "if only there were more of them!" and then he doesn't finish the quip before he runs towards new bad guys... see like, these moments of unrealism just... video games are so shit.

Oh okay you can play as the bad guys and make a dungeon and stuff. That's actually pretty cool. I think that sort of mechanic is really cool but like... I'd prefer something way more fun to uhh do in those created dungeons... I dunno. It's pretty brisk, actually. Like, you can run pretty fast and you have a few movement options. So I dunno, whatever. Is this supposed to be Monster Hunter?

My favorite game... mashing games together or something I dunno... Wait what was the point of that?

Now it's uhh... this still looks like Fable? You make the game or whatever? But wait didn't Fable just have that? "Project Spark" hmmm like Little Big Planet but more genres and stuff... I dunno... "Mechs" "Zombie mechs" uhhhhhhh.... I dunno. This doesn't really excite me. oh it's Conker. "10 years without a new game, guess we'll have to make our own" uhhhhhh that seems... mean. Lol.

Some sort of blue tree game, uhh it looks like the guy from Scribblenauts. This is pretty. Is this the last Guardian? lol. oh it froze. and then when it unfroze stuff looked more serious. This looks like a real video game, 2d playformer, running around doing stuff. Sure. That's a video game. Ori and the Blind Forest, hmmm well I dunno. All these games hinge based on the mechanics.

What's yr favorite character? uhh I dunno... maybe Vivi from FFIX. Some guy said Master Chief, CAPTAIN KING.

oh here he is that's the halo music. what are they up to now, 5? I played 3 a lot but that was the last one. That was the last FPS I played a lot of. He's dragging around some spiky bomb. Wait wait didn't this happen in another Halo game? Is that what they're getting at here? The thing with him falling with the spiky bomb, I remember that. I dunno what he's talking about. I totally forgot the plot of Halo. I think I remember at one point liking it sorta. they just spoiled the ending of Halo 4 lol well I guess it doesn't matter. Master Chief's journey... tangible history... But what IS this? Halo 5? Halo 2 remake thing? Oh Halo the Master Chief collection, I guess they remade all 4 of the main games for the xbone. new guy walking on stage he pointed at a guy in the crowd. his voice is super raspy. "Featules".

Okay yeah actually this is pretty sick. "Greatest hits" campaigns, etc. Wait they're showing off how they remade 2, does that mean they didn't remake 3? Oh cool they have the original multiplayer. Halo 2 was pretty fun online but I played more Halo 3 online. Ascension yeah I remember that map. The pro player just wrecked the guy, then teabagged him. Halo has always been fun, fun campaign and stuff. I stopped liking FPS games but whatever this is fine. Good idea. 100 multiplayer maps, cool. All the original engines. "ships with 4000 gamerscore", everyone cheers, ?????. Also Halo Nightfall, wait, uhh, this is a TV show? it like previews Halo 5, uhh... well, whatever. And a beta for Halo 5, sure... feels like that would detract from the retro-multiplayer modes? NEXT GENERATION ARENA MULTIPLAYER. okay that was pretty brief. Yeah I guess they aren't remaking Halo 3, i guess it was 360 so that's fine.

Now it's some guy, he has a Limbo shirt, I remember that game. 2015 and beyond, uhh... What's this? Some rain game thing. He alluded to this studio's first game but ohhhhh this is by the Limbo guys it seems. Kinda looks like Out of This World. Pretty sweet. This looks really good yeah lol. Really looks like Out of this World. I love the perspectives and such. I might actually make an effort to play this. Inside, cool. Good job.

ID @ Xbox, some sort of developer program thing. I don't really care about this. Blah blah uhh I'm gonna look at /v/ for a second. He's referencing a bunch of games I haven't heard of. Oh wait Massive Chalice, that was the TRPG, I was interested in that. Uhh looking at games. /v/ didn't load btw. 4chan has been wonky for me lately. These all look like video games. Wow this Cuphead game holy shit. Games don't look like that. MIGHTY NO 9! SO MANY ACTUAL VIDEO GAMES!

oh it;s the guys from silicon valley, that shows was p good. it's weird to see the guy playing Richard not act all nervous.

Uhh what's this, people talking to each other, is this Tomb Raider? a beaaaar. I dunno I have no interest in playing a game like this. It seems weird that they're doing so much to make this franchise legitimate when it used to be so silly. Seems like it would be easier to start fresh? Rise of the Tomb Raider, a prequel or something I guess.

Now Da Witcher 3, WRPGS i don't care etc etc. I dunno... I can see the appeal of games like this. Like actually this looks pretty sweet in a lot of ways. You run fast too. Wow yes. The hunting thing seems pretty cool. Everything I've heard about these games makes it seem like they're really well done and stuff... if I was ever gonna play a game in this genre (I won't) I'd probably play this one. It's so gory though jesus. The characters sound all echoey, why? This whole gameplay of like, wandering around by yourself, killing stuff... I feel like there's some issues at play that make people like these so much. And they aren't the issues I have lol. He's fighting the griffin. If the Griffin wins Last Guardian is CONFIRMED. This looks pretty tedious. His sword got knocked away, so he pulls out a magic sword. Why didn't he just use that in the first place? The presenter said "epic" in a really strange way, and shouted "Tremendous effort!"

Some guy named Ken Lobb, shouts "I Love E3". The little scrolling thing in the darkness called that earlier game "the bling forest" instead of "the blind forest".

Uhh they mentioned Killer Instinct, and now another "cult classic"... what is it gonna beeee? Some guy on a bench? And then things got evil or something. I prolly haven't heard of this game. And there's piano music while they do a fight with energies. haaaaaaaaah? The battle for reality begins, Phantom Dust, uhh yeah haven't heard of it lol. Whoops.

How many hours have you played video games? uh i don't get the point of these little interviews.

Tom Clancy's The Division or something... wow I couldn't possibly give even a little bit less of a shit. See okay they have like christmas carols and it's like haha what a fakeout, it isn't happy at all, but like, they do that so often. This map thing is kinda neat. The game play looks so boring though. Jesus. I kinda like the idea of an anarchy New York sorta thing, maybe. Like, very vaguely interested. I'd maybe play a game where you can wander around in this sort of setting but not have to shoot anyone. See okay and yeah you see these NPCs acting "organically", but you know like, as soon as you see that, if you actually interacted or watched for awhile, it would be... so fake. The technology is just not there. And again this idea that every character you play as is a homicidal psychopath. There's just nothing to be done about a character like that. And hiding behind cover Jesus. Haha the guy got shot and fell down and said "I'm down!" haha uhh like... that is really stupidly unrealistic, right? or wait are these supposed to be the player's voices, and not the character? Wait wait wait. What is this? Is this a game or something? Like... a game within a game? Or what?

Okay what's this PLATINUM GAMES? hey they make REAL VIDEO GAMES. Kamiya is cool. running through a jungle all you hear is rumbles etc etc. a dragon. he has beats headphones. or something. 2 dragons. is this just monster hunter? is it big realistic pokemon? oh he cut the monster and then he turned into the monster. Scalebound huh feels really fetisnhy. And then a HYDRA cool hydras are cool. ummm can someone please indicate the gameplay this will have? Even a little?

I dunno what this guy is talking about. They keep mentioning dedicated servers but iirc people didn't want those? What is this, I have no idea, ohh uhh, Crackdown? Was that what that was called? Or something? Is this a tower defence game? Plus rube goldberg stuff? lolokay. knocking over a building to make a ramp, they just killed like a lot of innocent people, but whatever. this is pretty funny and entertaining but i have no idea what it implies about the gameplay, if anything. and again it just seems so morally outrageous, but I guess that's the idea. Okay yeah it was Crackdown, I guess in these games it doesn't matter if innocent people die, I guess that's okay???

90 minutes of games, yeah I guess they did wow. No media center garbage, that's really good. Some of the games looked entertaining but most of them didn't. Final trailer sorta thing I guess. All these songs are so generic... who is making them? Some of the trailers in this ending part I don't recognize from the main part, others are like, the exact same scenes as they showed before. lol. Okay sure... I guess that's it. Sure uhhh well, whatever.

I guess that wasn't so bad. I didn't really see any games I wanted to play but I wasn't expecting to. Alright cool. EA is next I guess.