Liveblogging E3 2014: EA conference

Previously:
Microsoft conference

Why are you doing this again?
I dunno, I thought Microsoft's would be more embarrassing and silly. Instead it was a bunch of games I don't want to play. And not even games... just CGI moves about games... It was pretty boring. I guess I've committed to doing this, though??? So here we go???

I think at this point I'm just sort of addicted to typing a lot and generating content.

I'm gonna try watching on Twitch again. Twitch chat is way more fun to watch than the tweet thing on Spike.

But uhh twitch stream is down hmmm I dunno, it should be starting soon...

E3 is like... for people in the press to feel like that these companies are worth following, or something. I dunno. I'm not sure who it's for.

I'm watching four people at a desk. They're talking about games they expect to see. I don't even know which games these are lol.

okay it's starting I think. there's star wars movie. Hmm I wonder what they're doing. taking pictures of the original props and stuff, went to the original locations. "Early In-Engine Footage", that seems uhhh not that impressive or exciting? People in the twitter stream thing want Mass Effect lol lol.

Okay like... what sort of game is Star Wars Battlefront, is it an FPS? I dunno. Whatever.

This guy has an Australian accent. Some behind the scenes sorta footage... I don't care. Really I think I'm just gonna watch these so I can be even more excited for Nintendo... like, basically this whole time I'm also just thinking "ugghh I wanna watch the Nintendo one", whereas if I didn't watch these I prolly wouldn't think this nonstop for like 3 hours or whatever.

Looking at Dragon's Age uhhh I don't care I'm gonna look at /v/. Uhh wait what is this? Someone playing cello carted out of the stage? Is this Kanye live? No. Hell no. It is nowhere near that good. I think this is the same trailer or a really similar trailer as the one they played during the Microsoft one. I wish I had twicth chat. The guy just said "all the feels, hnng". I hate video games. Okay actual gameplay. It looks boring. You can switch between characters but there's no transition or sound effect. It looks really amateur. Sometimes they do these meet the character things and I can only imagine the Paul Rudd's computer segment on Tim and Eric. Okay whatever.

Great stories are timeless. Hahahahah hahahah ahaa ahahaha Bioware you turds. As soon as they said Mass Effect parts of the crowd cheered. Umm didn't everyone hate Mass Effect 3? Yeah man I don't care at all.

Some new IP thing... umm... not really any content there.

Now we're moving on to The Sims 4, okay yeah, like, I could actually play this lol. I like the Sims. The character creator is pretty solid. They made Obama?? did i see that right? And I saw a trailer of the building mode and it looked fun. If it looks easy to pirate I'll prolly play this. I dunno what the point of the Sims though? I dunno like... how do people play this? You just make wacky characters and a wacky setting, but then you can like, control them too. But then i dunno... I think I'd rather set up all this stuff and then just have them do whatever they want. The downloading thing is kinda neat, sure. Man I used to play the Sims a lot when I was a kid. I think the last time I played was like 5 years ago or so. Sure okay.

Bruce Lee???? why is bruce lee here? I like this quote. Rilke said something like this. Wait Bruce Lee is gonna be put in a UFC game? That seems like, disrespectful? Like, really silly? I feel like he would have really hated video games. "Anyone can be like Bruce Lee... virtually speaking of course"... uhh... this whole interjection seems like really lame... These games seem really lame. Just like irl they end up on the ground and then they just roll around or whatever. And it becomes a sort of rhythm action game thing. Like this is way less interesting than watching actual fighting because it's so simplified. And since it's simple and unrealistic anyways, why not play something more exciting, like another sorta fighting game?

Now we're looking at a hockey game. Maaaaan I don't care. Physics on all twelve players and the puck??? what? What was before that? Haha it has generic EDM too. Seems super inappropriate for hockey. Hahah and then footage of a fight, what the hell, hockey is so strange. I always forget strange things about it. He said everything was gonna change and then it seemed like absolutely no different lol.

What's he talking about now? How fast they can come up with ideas? Criterion games... I dunno what they make, car games? Yeah one of the car games. These are all basically fine and alright. I like the idea that people are making games that people would like if they like cars. Talking about their work experience... sure... whatever. ATVs, Helicopters, boats, wingsuits, parachutes, huh. Yeah... sounds fun, like, really seems fun. GoPro footage, a game where you can do stuff like that. Whenever anyone says "epic" they emphasize it in a way that seems significant of something but I dunno what.

OH BOY, GOLF? ARE YOU SERIOUS?? okay i mean whatever like... FROSTBITE 3???!? what does that even MEAN? Okay but like... if people like golf games, sure, they can have golf games. but man i don't care lol. mario golf was fun. HAHA OKAY. they got me with the battleship one.

Now let's talk about Madden... How to make defense more fun! Football seems such a physical game, so like, how could it be fun in video game? Was there a Mario football game? Whatever... I wouldn't play these but these are basically good games as far as I can tell. They're actual games that you can get good at. You exert skills to make things happen. If people want it I'm okay with that. But football is like super whatever to me. Football is like war or something. I think there's some George Carlin routine about this.

MOBAAAAAAA, ugh, okay like... this is much less of a video game than sports games to me, honestly. Dawngate I think is the name... uhh... but yeah like... I have a whole stable of beef with games like this... snowbally and slow and memorizing build orders... I don't even want to bother articulating it now. Psht whatever. I feel like half the conference has been this guy talking about how great everything is...

Oh this is Mirror's Edge 2... I didn't play the first one, it made me nauseous, but I liked it, I liked watching speedruns of it, etc. It seemed well done and a pretty unique game. You move around quickly and the game challenges you to use skills. Parkour artists... is that the term? "You know you can get there, but how?" yeah okay. That is good gameplay, really. Getting somewhere fast, risk:reward things. Quick combat, not a lot of animations and stuff. Good. Story is whatever. A new generation? Didn't the first one come out like... not that long ago? I can't remember. Okay yeah that looked good, looks like a real video game.

Now the other type of football... Seems more suitable to being a video game cause it's a lot about positioning and stuff. I guess American football does too but that seems more static... here you run around and stuff more. Seems better. Loads of little details... I guess not much else they need to change anymore. So that's fine. Whatever. I wonder what I would be like if I was really into sports or something. People seem passionate, that's cool. I like people who are passionate.

Now there's uhh... some sort of city...shooting and stuff... I dunno. Battlefield Hardline? It's like a war game but in the city... The war on the streets between cops and criminals, um. This could be kinda cool I guess but also just so ridiculously silly conceptually. Blah blah blah I'm losing interest really quickly lol. Are they gonna show actual gameplay? Is this gameplay? Yeah this is silly but okay, it looks like a game. Basically. Taking cover is the most boringest stupidest thing ever and I never want to do it again. There's a bunch of stuff on the screen that i can't understand. seems unnecessary. I dunno prolly if I still played FPS games this would be the sort of one I'd want to play. They knocked over a crane, OH NO THE CRANE, i love cranes. they referenced the don't tase me bro thing. Haha they cut in the elevator. tricky tricky. the bad guys won. uhh this seems like it takes awhile... oh no good guys won, never mind. Some people are screaming. they launched the beta today huh wow, sure. I wonder if I can get a key and then sell it huehuahuehuahuehua. Nah i guess i need Battlefield 4. Hahaha they shot off smoke machines and stuff.

Okay it's over.

Again it was just game game game game... there's really nothing more I could ask for... except that I don't care about the games.

Next is... Ubisoft? ehhhh probably even less interesting.